Republican Caricatures

Senator John McCain (R-Arizona)

Aka Dr. Strangelove II. If he doesn't push the button because of mental illness, he will do so as a result of senility. Has crafted a reputation as a maverick but resembles much more a dinosaur (Stegasaurus?). It is difficult to understand what it is the elephants don't like about him. His popularity in Arizona means everyone should give this State a wide berth.

Former Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney (R)

When Willard "Mitt" Romney shakes your mitt you can't shake the feeling he is sizing you up for a pine box, a cheap automobile, or piece of real estate in the swamp (take your pick). He looks like he dyes his hair and eyebrows with cheap shoe polish and reportedly has his shoes resoled with astroturf. Has a hot wife but, like McCain's, if you look closely you can see the key Romney uses to wind her up poking out of the back of her blouse. Odious does not begin to describe this flip-flopping opportunist.

Former Governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee/Hucklebee (R)

Who cares what his name is? After Iowa, he has gone down the rabbit hole...in search, it would seem, of Easter eggs of mass destruction (EEMD). Give him a month or two and he will be appearing with Don Shula and Dan Marino in NutriSystem ads or running a concession at Dollywood in the Smoky Mountains.

Former Mayor of NYC, Rudolph Giuliani (R)

Does RG really exist? I could have sworn I saw him at a debate or two or even heard him answering a cell phone call from his wife in the middle of a stump speech. Nah, can't be. If he does, in fact, exist he is almost certain to go down in history as pursuing one of the most hare-brained campaign strategies ever. The good news is that after he gets stomped in Florida tomorrow, he can pursue what appears to be his real goal--becoming Chief of Police in Mauratania.

Congressman Ron Paul (R-Texas)

Having two first names will at least make it easy when folks tire of RP's nonsense and he has need for an alias when he slips into hiding. Just when you are ready to clap him on the back and sign him up as a Democrat, he tells you the transmitting frequencies of his fillings or reveals that the government is bathing all new dollar bills in plutonium. Who is it, exactly, who is contributing their hard-earned dollars to this man?