It’s a certainty that McCain or one of the 527 groups are already hard at work putting together some ads for the general election drawing on Obama’s association with Reverend Jeremiah Wright or Clinton’s various embellishments. You can all but see it now: a clip of Wright spewing “god damn, America!” with a shot of Obama, immediately following, with a big grin and his arm lovingly thrown around the pastor’s shoulder. And Hillary? How about a voiceover in which she talks about having to elude sniper fire upon deplaning in Bosnia, followed by a video clip showing the reality: HC glad-handing welcomers to beat the band, with daughter Chelsea and the comedian Sinbad in tow, no less. All of whom were looking like a million bucks and certainly not in fear of anything except perhaps the next meal.
When all is said and done, though, Johnny M. III might be the real superstar of the general election ad campaigns. Anyway, I’d like to think so. So, here are some possible ads that nearly make themselves, so easy that a child with a Razor phone could do it.
John Loves George, Georg Loves John. A compilation of video showing JM and GWB in frankly some fairly embarrassing embraces. I believe there is video out there of Bush even kissing JM on his noggin. The montage will include footage of Bush endorsing McCain in the White House rose garden as the latter looks on uncomfortably. Preferably there will be some spooky screeching violin music playing in the background.
John Loves Lobbyists. No really…he does love lobbyists. Anyway, a voiceover of a man who states matter-of-factly that John M. passed a bill ostensibly about ethics and campaign reform but then goes on to say, so why is the inner circle staffed with the Gucci Gulch and K-Street Crowd? The piece will end with a shot going from McCain’s head to his feet and then pan around the shoes surrounding him. All of these will lobbyist-type shoes, with tassels and similar ostentatious frippery (wardrobe!!!!)
My Big Fat Trip to the Middle East. A road trip in 60 seconds with shots of McCain mixing and matching Shiites and Sunnis, squinting into the desert sun, and asking everyone where the toilets are to be found.
On the Bus, Off the Bus. Shots initially of the Straight Talk Express as it wends its way through the American countryside. As the piece continues, and McCain’s flip-flops on everything from abortion to the tobacco tax are specified on voiceover, the bus begins to smoke and lurch and pieces of it begin to fall off. At the conclusion of the piece, McCain and a cohort of campaign staff (dressed as the cast from the TV show, Lost) stop the bus in the middle of nowhere, telling a lone puzzled-looking gas station attendant that he “believes he has deviated some from his initial itinerary.” No music necessary for this one. Alternative: Same, but bus transforms into Ken Kesey’s, acid bus, Further, and when McCain and crew get out in nowhere land they are glassy-eyed, dressed like hippies and frequently say “man,” “cool,” “groovy,” "let's do some bong hits in the White House," and the like.
Calm, Steady, Leadership. A mashup of infamous JM harangues—includes his peevish chewing out of the NY Times reporter on his campaign plane, and similar meltdowns caught on tape. At the conclusion, an announcer will say “Is this the man you want anywhere near the nuclear football?” before weeping and wailing inconsolably and screaming periodically, “we are all going to die,” as the piece goes dark.
100 Years of Solitude. All about how the US is, according to JM, prepared to go it alone in Iraq for 100 years, “if that’s what it takes.” Replete with quotations and video of the man himself saying a lot of malicious and disturbing nonsense.
John McCain, Maverick. Someone getting paid 5 bucks an hour to narrate the piece from his soundproofed (with aluminum and egg carton cardboard) shoe closet will read from our finest newspapers, television programs, and Internet blogs (giving credit to each, of course), several exemplary instances in which McCain is termed a “maverick.” After the narrator comes to a stop, he will then appeared puzzled and say, as if genuinely surprised, "I didn’t know that a maverick—
Cozied up to the likes of hate-mongers like Rod Parsley and John Hagee; turned tail on issues like immigration when the going got tough,” and all the other crap McCain has been doing lately to curry the flavor of the troglodytes of his party (you know who you are).
The piece will end with McCain wearing a droopy cowboy hat, mismatched lizard boots with a hole in one of the toes, and a rusty star pinned to his backside. Directly above his head will be the text “I guess this is what a maverick looks like.”
To Torture or not to Torture—Not Much of a Question. “John McCain knows what torture is like, that’s why he has been forcefully against water boarding and other extreme measures. So why has he recently changed his mind on this? Because he is running for President and he thinks that this will endear him to conservatives, that’s why.”
“John McCain, a man who has strongly-held principles—at least until he is running for for President.”
And my favorite—
John M. and the 3 am Phone Call. John, Hillary and Barack are all lying in the order listed in the same room on spartan-looking single beds, straight out of the old Dick van Dyke show, with identical red phones on the nightstands beside them. All three are awoken from deep sleep as the phones begin to jangle madly and incessantly. The next shot is of Obama and Clinton each sitting up on the side of their beds talking seriously and with concern but otherwise under control. The camera quickly moves to McCain who, in succession, thrashes around in his bedclothes unable even to get to the phone, knocks to the floor his dentures which are in a glass of water on the stand as he reaches for the phone, picks up the phone after he does secure it only to talk into the wrong end, yelling ever louder as no one seems to respond, and finally throws the phone to the ground in complete and utter frustration while clearly mouthing “f' it,” as he crawls back into the bed for some shut eye. Oh yeah, and it is revealed that McCain wears red Speedos for pajamas. Voice: "John McCain--Nuff said."
Keep your eyes peeled here for an actual mock up that will appear on this site soon. Hell, you can submit your own and if I like it well enough I might even sell it to the eventual Democratic nominee.
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